They had been arguing for half of their usual evening walk. Finally, in frustration, he said, “Just stop talking.” And that, was all she could take.

She turned around and stormed off the other way. Walking home by herself through the dark streets, something she normally would not do.

When she came near her home, she considered continuing to walk, partly because she didn’t want to go in and partly because she thought it might worry him. She was furious and hurt. Her mind was flooded and she was not able to think clearly.

What had just happened?

Without being conscious of it, they had each been rubbing each other’s “raw spots.” That’s often why discussions and arguments between couples can get out of hand.

If you asked her later, she would admit that she was being unreasonable and emotional, although to be honest, she might also admit that she has no idea what they were actually arguing about that night. Years later, she can remember the feelings, but other than him telling her to “stop talking” she has no recollection of what was said.

She was arguing with passion, because she was feeling misunderstood and unseen. Her feelings were hurt and she felt insignificant. She just needed him to see that her point could be valid, that what she was saying was important. That is why the “stop talking” comment sticks with her to this day. To her, in that moment, it solidified that he didn’t care how she felt or what she had to say.

That’s what she was feeling, but her husband was also having strong feelings. He was feeling overwhelmed and didn’t want this conversation to go to a worse place than it already had. The more upset she got, the louder she talked and more and more emotional words kept tumbling uncontrollably out of her mouth.

The “stop talking” comment was his way of saving their evening walk. He was trying to stop them from hurting each other more. He could see that their conversation, turned fight, was getting worse and he wanted to stop it.

He would also say that he was feeling disrespected. When she disagrees with him in a certain way, he feels insignificant, similar to how she was also feeling. He felt like she didn’t think he had anything good to add or maybe even that he’s not good enough. She was rubbing his “raw spot” too.

Even in the best of relationships our discussions can get out of control if we aren’t paying attention to our own feelings as well as our partners.

If this couple has a strong attachment bond, they would be able to talk things out, repair the relationship, apologize and feel even closer to each other after.

For many couples, this is not the ending to most of their disagreements. For many couples these fights happen often and the relationship is not repaired after.

The problem is that we get caught up in the content of our discussion, much like this couple did. We get caught up in the content that is often insignificant or at least not as significant as our underlying feelings.

We react in unhealthy ways, either by lashing out or trying to get away. Usually this makes the other person feel worse and then act worse. What needs to happen is sharing the vulnerable feelings that may be hard to uncover.

We often think we know exactly how we feel. “I was so angry!” “She just makes me frustrated!” “I was so mad that he wasn’t listening.” Many of us do know how we feel. At least we are aware of some of the feelings, but there are deeper feelings as well and they are harder to identify and acknowledge.

We have deep needs, like being important, being valued for just being ourselves and knowing we are loved unconditionally. Feeling like these attachment needs are not being fulfilled can put almost anyone into a panic.

The woman in this story is usually a quiet, understanding and laid back person. That night, she was loud, accusing and up tight! In the moment, she didn’t even realize how loud her voice was getting. She surely didn’t recognize that her upset was because she was feeling unseen and unheard.

The man in this story is usually kind, caring and a good listener. That night he was rude and inconsiderate. In the moment, he didn’t even realize that he was hurting his wife. He surely didn’t recognize that his upset was because he was feeling insignificant and unimportant.

Each of them were not acting like themselves and the way you act when you are feeling rejected, hurt or insulted is not your true self either. It is you trying desperately to connect with the one you love most and panicking because it does not seem to be working.

Whether you panic and try to shut things down or you panic and try to stir things up, at your core, you are trying to protect and connect in your relationship. Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson is a great book to read to assist you and your partner in connecting in deeper and more effective ways. However, if you are past that point or you’ve tried the book and can’t do it on your own, it’s time to call a professional marriage counselor.

If you want counseling that lines up with what I’ve been talking about then you want a counselor who is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).

Please call me to set up a free 15 minute phone consultation: (559) 238-7464 or sign up to get my newsletter and stay in touch.