We feel safe and secure in our lives when we are in a relationship that is supportive and nurturing. Many studies show that children who are securely attached to their parents do better. They are more able to handle stressful events and recover faster after being upset. These children know that there is a person that is always there for them. This caregiver is consistent and loving. This person is dependable.

As adults, we need the same thing. We often find that security in our spouse. We are better able to cope with life when we have a stable, dependable, close relationship with our significant other. The things that life throws at us are less stressful when we have this needed security. We are better able to handle both little disagreements and big issues in our family.

Many adults do not know how to have a healthy, attached relationship. Certain behaviors can trigger us to feel hurt or fear, even though we often experience these feelings as anger. This is how the fighting starts. We can get so upset with this one person, because we are attached and don’t want to loose him or her.

Often, we do not know how we feel and surely do not know how to express those feeling to another person. So, we feel the anger and not the deeper, more vulnerable feelings. Then we express the anger and the fighting begins. The way one partner handles conflict can be the thing that triggers the other. Your partner is usually not trying to hurt you. This loved one is often dealing with conflict in the best way they know how.

When you have two people trying to connect, but feeling hurt and angry, they often end up increasing the fear or pain in each other. Eventually we end up in an emotional state where no one can think clearly. While both partners are attempting to connect and fix things the best way each one knows how, they can often be hurting each other and pushing the one they love away.

Having a trained therapist guide you through your conversations, identifying deeper feelings and needs has a big impact. A trained, outside perspective, will help identify the crazy cycle you are in. After this, you can learn a new, healthy ways to connect and work through conflict. When you understand each other and know how to communicate, you feel so much more satisfied and safe in your relationship. Therapy also helps you to heal together from wounds you have inflicted on each other, as well as wounds that you have received in other areas of your life. As you attach more securely to your spouse, you actually become more independent in your life and relationships.

Reading marriage books and marriage blogs can often give you the boost you need to work through tough times. Family, friends or pastors can offer just the right advice to help in your situation. However, if you’ve been trying everything you can think of and still feel stuck or hopeless, it might be time to seek marriage counseling.