“My wife won’t have sex with me…”

“We have totally different sex drives…”

“My husband seems to have lost interest in sex…”

You get the idea. I hear some version of these statements often. So, please realize that you are not alone. This is a common issue and it can be greatly improved. This is also a complicated issue. I am only going to scratch the surface today, but I hope it is helpful in your relationship.

The feeling that you can’t say “no”

One of the things that can really inhibit sex drive is the feeling that you don’t really have a say. It might just be a very subtle pressure or the knowledge that your spouse will get upset if you say “no.” It’s not necessarily that the other person is forcing sex on you. (If this is happening we have a much different issue.) It is more like a feeling that saying, “I don’t feel like it now,” is not acceptable. If you want to keep the peace you have to say, “yes.” This may result in having sex resentfully or frequently declining the other’s advances. The best way to solve this is to have a conversation.

Communication is Key

Even if feeling pressure to say “yes” is not the issue, it’s important to have a conversation about the issue. The couple can approach the issue as one they have together and want to solve together. To have a satisfying sex life with your spouse, you need to realize that sex is for both of you to enjoy. It’s important to talk about what you like and don’t like (but say this part gently). It’s important to talk about what makes you more likely to feel “in the mood.” As well as one partner sometimes being willing to say yes because of their love for the other partner (not because they have to), even if they don’t start out “in the mood.” Be open to listening carefully and sharing honestly, but with sensitivity.

Touch Each Other

To have a healthy sex life, sexual touching and non-sexual touching should be happening outside the bedroom. Flirt with each other, hold each other and play together. Along with this is the realization that all touching or sexual play does not have to lead to sex, and should not be expected to lead to sex. Take time to enjoy each other and have fun. Sometimes you’ll just enjoy the moment and sometimes it will lead to many more enjoyable moments. Both outcomes are good and need to be okay.

Address the Physical Issues

Often there is a physical issue that is making sex difficult. Maybe your spouse has a bad back or gets frequent migraines. Maybe sex is painful or it is difficult to obtain or sustain an erection. These difficulties need to be addressed by a doctor and often in counseling as well. Don’t be afraid to talk about these things with your spouse. Try to find new ways to enjoy each other that are not painful. Please talk with a professional if you two are not able to solve the issues on your own.

Sex is One of the Important Parts of Your Marriage

The sexual part of your relationship is very much intertwined with the rest of your relationship. If there has been a recent change in your lives or your relationship is in a rocky place, it’s normal to have less sex. It is important to address the issues in your relationship. Getting your relationship back on track and feeling emotionally close to each other, can often go a long way in solving a lack of sex. Here are some ideas to help improve your relationship. However, the longer you stay in your stagnant state, the harder it can be to initiate and respond sexually to your partner. There is a need for open communication and often professional help.